Saturday, December 19, 2009

Funny Jab at How to be a Good Republican

Ann Richards on How to Be a Good Republican:

1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity (under President Clinton) was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.

2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.

4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.

5. You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.

6. You have to believe...everything Rush Limbaugh says.

7. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.

8. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.

9. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.

10. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.

11. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

12. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.

13. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.

14. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

15. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.

16. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.

17. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.

18. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.


slipperyjim said...

At the risk of being told that as a public educator I need to get my views in line with the liberal mainstream, I humbly add my "fun jab" rebuttal. Hopefully, it is just that...all it good fun. Gave me something to do while watching TV this morning...

How to be a good Democrat:

1)You have to believe that the private sector is full of rich, greedy people while the government is filled with “public servants” who only want “what is best for everyone.”

2)You have to believe that the US postal service is still relevant.

3)You have to believe that other government programs can be as efficient as the postal service.

4)You have to believe that a Nobel Prize actually means something… and you accept Paul Krugman’s views on a lot of issues because he won one.

5)You have to believe that Bill Clinton really cared for, and did a lot for women.

6)You have to believe in the merits of the public education system for the masses, while sending your child to an elite private school.

7)You have to believe that you can legislate based on people’s feelings.

8)You have to believe that money is evil and that you have the right to redistribute it…except for your own stash.

9)You have to believe that killing unborn children is just the price you have to pay for being able to have a lot of sex with whomever you choose.

10)You have to believe what your professor says.

11)You have to believe that hardened criminals would change their ways, if only you could get the chance to talk to them.

12)You have to believe yourself really open-minded, while rejecting all non-liberal viewpoints.

13)You have to believe that academics care more about scholarship than pushing an agenda.

14)You have to believe that the welfare system has been improving and helping more people since its inception.

15)You have to believe that Americans killed on 911 probably just deserved it.

16)You have to believe that Hugo Chavez, Kim Jong Il, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad are really just misunderstood.

17)You have to believe that reverse discrimination is fair and equitable.

18)You listen to NPR and PMSNBC...and like it.

19)You have to believe that giving a lot of flowery speeches is the best foreign relations strategy.

20) You think Michael Moore had a point.

T.J. Shelby said...

Even though, I lean more Democrat than Republican...I will be fair and balanced and say that at least two of your points were dead

Christopher Maloy said...

Don't worry slipperyjim, I give you some leeway for having been raised in Utah. We all know the end game of Republican values, just look at the States that are overwhelmingly Republican and you tell me which ones have the greatest infractions of human rights, poverty, education, etc.

slipperyjim said...

Chis...wouldn't be a post without a predictable comment from you.... Every jab is easy to return, bro. I'll likewise cut you slack for being from a state whose favorite past time is driving itself into financial ruin enacting hair-brained liberal schemes. Remember, I'm willing to return the liberal smug condescension in kind. Merry Christmas.

Christopher Maloy said...

HAHA... I just love getting your goat Paul. I hope you have a good holidays yourself.

Not to continue the banter, but all states are suffering financial woes at the moment and you can't tell me you would rather live anywhere in Mississippi rather than in Berkley California (tried to pick the most liberal section).

Don't worry Paul we liberals will drag you kicking and screaming into the future and you can blame all the bad on liberal values and take all the credit for all the good.

I do agree that we need each other to keep each other in check though, so I am glad we have you around.


Matt said...

HAHAHA.....Now that's funny right there...Here I'll try one:

How to be a good Republican or Democrat:

1) Lie to the masses and make it convincing, they'll love you for it!!

slipperyjim said...

Unfortunately, you are right Chris, I'll take Berkeley. I'll be wearing my "Copenhagen was for Kooks" T-shirt!

Christopher Maloy said...